Irritable Self Syndrome.....

I think I have come down with a bad case of this over the last few days.
Actually it's more like I can't stand myself syndrome.
Those of you that saw my post on facebook know that this isn't going to be
a rainbows and rays blog entry.
I'll do my best to keep it short and to the point but when I'm in a sour way, I tend
to snowball things.

I've been trying to turn my frown around but so far have been unsuccessful.
Irritable doesn't come close in describing the feelings I've had in the last three days.
Downright disgusted in myself better states it.
Many things are contributing to this.
Both our Son's have birthdays in the next few weeks and our oldest is turning
sixteen.
Thankfully he isn't asking for a car or something more expensive but I'm filled
with worry over wondering how we will be able to get him what he wants and
make his day a special one.
Then there's family vacation which also has me worried, will we have enough
money to go?, will everyone get along, will anyone lose an eye over a war of words?
Once I stop thinking about those things I start thinking of how I've failed in life and
how I'm unwilling to do anything to change that.
When I feel this way I think that I've truly given up on myself.
Yesterday was the worst, Eve my have left with her bloody mess but she still
makes an appearance once a month claiming all my emotions for her
tearful tantrum.
Told ya you wouldn't find rainbows in this one folks.  ; )

I've struggled with these feelings my whole life but the worst has been knowing
how I've failed my children.
Days like these have me believing nothing about me is positive.
Pity party?, self crucifixion?, too much time thinking?....maybe a slice of
them all.
All I know is I need to release it safely and this is the best way I can think of.
Gardening didn't help, neither has cleaning, reading or riding my bike.
I even got my mermaid on over the weekend and that hasn't iced the furnace
fueling inside me.
This pooh will pass and I'll be in a sunnier way soon, I've lived long enough
to know at least that much.

I suppose if this continues I could go ask the Doctor for help but I'm sure
his solution would end up being in pill form and that's not something
I am willing to consider.
I'm much better with talking or typing my feelings out.
Making my way back to music now because that's usually the one thing
that connects me to the living again.
George Harrison's haunting howl fills the room around the nest and is lifting my spirits as I type.
See, I never really give up I only think I do.  :)

I'll leave these lines with the song that started me in a sweeter way.
Thank you Mr Harrison, wherever you are.
Also, thanks to all of you for reading what's on my mind.

Mayarvelous May 2-4......

Mayarvelous May 2-4 weekend was just had by the branches in my bunch
along with myself.
Leave me be, I can make up words to express my emotions!
We kicked off the May 2-4 weekend with two good friends and a concert.
The weather was wonderfully warm and the music was magically moving,
well for me it was, I danced to just about every song.
The concert was interrupted after only a few songs by the power going out for
about 20 minutes or so.
Lots of people left but we stayed on, I feared our friends would want to leave
as one of them had a headache but I was pleased they were patient and let me
stay to enjoy the show.
The highlight of the concert was when Dean Brody and his band The Brodeo
performed the song It's Friday, he wrote it with one of my favorite bands,
Great Big Sea and I loved it largely done live!
A superb start for Summer and I do hope to see our friends again real soon.

Sunday turned out to be another terrific time.
Thirty of us gathered at our Uncle's for our annual BBQ and fireworks display.
The sun was big, bright and beautiful as it beamed down on us all day.
There were plenty of belly shakes shared and the first was given to us by
little toddler Chaz-Ma-Taz, not quite two yet, full of energy and always
on the go.
While his Father was watching him he managed to grab his Grandfather's
cell phone.
His Dad didn't seem to mind and was rewarded with Chaz tossing it into
the kiddie pool.
We all laughed over it and shook our heads at his Father's foolishness.
My Husband decided that he would cook what ended up being way to much meat.
He wanted to give all the other men a chance to sit and enjoy time with their
families so he took to the tongs and refused help from anyone.
One of our Cousins and myself did help him a bit but it did my blood pumper
proud knowing that he wanted to give the guys a break.
He still surprises me after all these years....Thank You Hubby Bub!
Chaz wasn't the only one to get laughs.
While I had my camera in one hand and fishing rod in the other I figured
I should put my camera away as it was to hard to cast while the camera
hung from my wrist.
As I was bending over to put the camera in my purse I hooked myself in the head
with the lure on my line.
My oldest Son tried to unhook me with no success so I called for his Father's help.
When he didn't come over right away I hollered for him to end his tea party with
a couple other men and haul himself over in helping me, he did and I was hook free
and happy......I am such a Tard.
It was warm enough for many of us to take a dip in the lake so we made our way
next door to Stop 26 Beach.
The water was around 60 degrees, perfect for the mermaid in me and I enjoyed
having my two Son's swimming with me as I know these moments fly by like the
years that pass.
Once the food was ready we all chowed down on ribs, pork chops, hot dogs,
chicken, sausage and steak.
It was the most meat we have ever had and I'm grateful to all those who
contributed to our fine feast.
Two of my Cousins took to lighting the fireworks once night fell upon us and
it wouldn't be the only thing that did.
As my Cousin was lighting one of the fireworks it fell on it's side and shot off
into the crowd.
Luckily no one was hurt but my youngest Son, the fireball, was skimmed
by one on his arm.
It surely sent my heart racing and had me scared for the remainder of the light show.
They really were spectacular to see though.
I think my favorite memory will be that we all came together and despite
discrepancies between a few in the family, we got along and enjoyed each
others company.
Thank you to those of you that kept the peace, it didn't go unnoticed and
I love you for it!

Monday was another fun day though we would have to endure a Summer
storm and a stubborn child first.
My Cousin turns 50 today and we celebrated his big day yesterday at
his Sisters house.
This Sister recently lost her Son and I'm always amazed at how giving
she is but to open her home at this time made my heart swell over the sadness
she is suffering through.
Our little fireball decided that he had seen enough of the rain and was tired
of being holed up in the garage with the rest of us so he made his way into the house.
Once I realized his whereabouts I went and collected him.
The birthday boy helped me get him back outside and I explained that no one
was in the house except for those preparing food. 
He didn't care and threw a fit which had me frustrated after having spent a good part
of the day arguing with him.
Our hostess said he could stay in the house but I knew all to well that if I let that
happen then soon all the other kids would want to be in there as well.
As our hostess passed by me outside she gently touched my shoulder and said
"I know you're having a bad day but I'm having really bad days and trust me, it could be worse"
That precisely put things into perspective for me and stopped me from losing my lid.
I couldn't imagine the pain involved when you lose a child.
Shortly after that the rain stopped and he was able to go swimming which finally
settled him down.
We had BBQ hamburgers and hot dogs along with many salads and side dishes.
Everything was delicious and I was so happy that we could join everyone in the celebration.
There have been many times in my life that I didn't want to be part of my family and
jealousy, resentment and sheer stupidity stopped me from seeing how blessed I really am.
I couldn't love any of them more than I do right now in this day.
Thank you to all of you that make me laugh, love and want to live on making
Mayarvelous memories in the days ahead.

I will add a few photos from this past weekend and please forgive me but I must
include the song I spoke of earlier, yup another Dean Brody tune.  :)
Thanks for reading what's on my mind and may this day be Mayarvelous for you! 

It's Here.....

The start of Summer has arrived and it looks like it's going to be a great
May 2-4 weekend!
I started the celebration early by sleeping in the tent last night for the first
time this season.
Hubby Bub didn't want to join me so I brought the Fifty Shades Freed book
in with me and I must say that Mr Grey was good company indeed!

Our Sons slept out there a few times this week but I waited until
last night to start the tent sleeps season.
I'm looking forward to the next few days for several reasons.
As I've already stated it's the start of Summer for me and I think we'll kick it off
with a BBQ tonight.
Tomorrow we will be going to the Rodeo and seeing a concert with a couple
of friends, that always brings about love, laughter and song.
Nothing makes music sound better than when it's played outside in the
great wide open with folks you love.
Sunday I'm both anxious and sad for.
It's our annual BBQ and fireworks which have always been at our Meme's house.
This year we will be changing the location and having it where my Uncle lives.
Though we gain lake St Clair and being able to fish and swim, we lose having it
in our beloved alley which sits behind Meme's backyard.
It's never been anywhere else and I wasn't completely content when I first heard
that it would be held elsewhere this year.
I keep telling myself that it makes no matter where it is as long as we are
all together for it.
That seems like the sweetest way of seeing it anyway.

My mind is also wrapped around thoughts of Uncle Jimmy not being there.
This is the first annual BBQ that he won't physically be at.
I miss his humor and wonderful ways every day.
It does help to swat away the sorrow whenever I am around his Wife and
children though so I know I'll be all smiles once I see em all.
There are still a couple of them that are having a hard time dealing with his death
and I pray that this weekend helps to heal their hurting.
Each one of us has parts of him that live on and grow inside us and I pray
that in the future the ones suffering the most gain strength from that.
Did I mention that our boys will be sleeping at my Mothers on Saturday night?
Freedom for Hubby Bub and I is always a welcome gift and I hope to be
sitting by the fire pit after the show.
Maybe I can even sweet him into a tent sleep under the stars.

Monday we will be joining other branches of our family for a Cousins 50th birthday.
It will be another BBQ and I'll be making baked beans for it.
I adore this Cousin as he is always welcoming and comical with everyone.
Summer is the most exciting time of year for me and I can't wait to spend time
with all my loved ones in the next few days.
Also, Cousin Beefcake and Glen are coming in from Toronto and they are
ever entertaining.

One last thing I have excitement over.
My new Alan Doyle CD just came in and I can't wait to dive ear deep into it!
Nothing hurts like a stone unturned and I've got candles left to burn so I'm going to
savor every second of this weekend and toss all stones turned, into Lake St Clair!

I'd like to end this entry asking any of you Lord loving Lads and Lasses to please
say a prayer for the stricken with sadness souls in my family.
Sorrow surrounds some of them and I feel helpless in only being able to pray and
offer my support to them.
If others join me they will at least know they're loved and cherished.
I hope for happier times ahead and pray that they will be in a more pleasant
period of their lives soon.
I've included a few pictures for your viewing pleasure along with
a song for to kick off my concert high!  hehehe
If you're curious, it's my Hubby Bub, Cousin with the 50th birthday coming up
and our beloved Uncle Jimmy in the one pic.
My Cousin and Dear friend is in the photo with me.

As always, thanks for reading what's on my mind and may the
remainder of this day be terrific to us all!
P.S I'm fifty shades of fabulous on this fine Friday!  :)

 

Wednesday, Wetness and Wheatley.....

Those are three things that are on my mind at the moment.
Wednesday because that's what today is and it means only two more
sleeps until the start of the May 2-4 weekend, the start of Summer to me!
Wetness because it's been raining today and Wheatley because of fond
memories made there.

I'd like to share one of my favorite Wheatley Wetness memories.
My Husband, Father and some other family members were camping
at Wheatley Provincial Park.
Number 186 in the Two Creeks area to be exact.
I'm not sure of the year but it was a summer Sunday back in the middle nineties.
We had the biggest most secluded campsite in the whole place and water
surrounds it!, my favorite campsite to this day.
You could easily pitch ten tents and three cars could park on the site.
It has a long tree lined driveway that gives added seclusion.
We were all planning  a big day filled with fishing and fun in the sun.
That was until the storm clouds rolled in and drowned all our 
dreams of the day ahead.
I'm so glad we didn't let it dampen our spirits though.
We had already been there for a few days so we did have some fish but
we needed more and didn't let the rain stop us from fishing.
Our crafty crew of Males made sure there was adequate shelter for the females
and the fish fryer we would need to cook in later.
They put up a tarp that I swear was twenty feet long and wide.
I could lay many complaints and criticisms about the pack-of-penises in my
family but not a sour say so do I have when it comes to them taking care of their women.
I recall swelling with pride over them on that day.
As we were fishing and making the camp as comfortable as you can in the
rain, our Aunt and Meme showed up.
We weren't expecting them because Meme had been in a wheelchair by then
and usually only ventured out to go shopping stateside once in awhile.
Aunt Pam was all to pleased to pack up the wheelchair and take her Mom to
do one of her favorite things......spend time with all of her kids.
The only person I know that loves spending time with the Family more than
Meme was her Son, my Father and he had a mile wide smile on his face when
they showed up.
We all talked, laughed and poked fun at each other while we worked well in keeping
dry as the rain seeped from the sky around us.
We all took turns emptying the tarp by pushing up on the sides to let the gathering
water fall to the ground.
It was really coming down at that point, lightening shot like fireworks in the sky
around us and I remember one clap of thunder making the ground vibrate below.
It was one heck of a storm but I must say it was also the most fun I have ever had
in the pouring rain.
As we were all huddled under the huge tarp,talking about who caught the most
and biggest fish we were about to experience one of the funniest memories we've
ever made together.
Just as Meme was adding her two coppers worth into the conversation, the side roof
of the tarp that she was directly sitting under decided to empty itself on her in
her wheelchair.
I can still see her shocked stare as I type these lines.
Almost instantaneously we all laughed, even Meme, she was cracking up at her
poor seating choice.

Well I must go now, I see the sun is cooperating so I may even get on
my bike today.
Thanks for reading what's on my mind and I hope the remainder of this day is
good to you.

Wonderful Weekends.....

Don't you wish they all could be?
I sure do but won't spend an ounce of energy on wasteful wishing.
I will however hold in my heart the happiness I had in this past one.
I'm tickled to tell you that I'm typing this blog entry from the nest.
My Sister and her crew came down for the weekend and her awesome
Husband was able to get our Son's laptop back online!
They also helped my Hubby Bub assemble a bed for our youngest Son
and as always it was great to be able to spend time with them.
The three days we spent together has me even more excited than I was
before for our family vacation.

A friend of mine was over visiting Friday when my Sis and her crew came by.
I mostly entertained my company while the kids played together and the three
other adults took to setting up the bed.
I enjoyed hearing how my friends one year old Daughter was doing and it was
nice to be able to talk and enjoy each others company without her having to
tend to her tot.
I babysat this lady for years and seeing her with a child of her own makes my
blood pumper swell, much like the Grinch.
Her Daughter was sleeping out and I'm glad she didn't have plans when I invited
her for dinner and a sleep over.
If your interested, we had fish on the BBQ, baked potatoes and grilled veggies
with feta cheese.....delicious!
My Sister even helped out with that for a bit as well.
She is not only sunny and Superwoman like, she can multitask with the best of em.
I know I kinda beam about her a bit but if you could have seen (some of you have)
how I once treated her, you'd have a better understanding of why I'm so sweet
on her now.

Saturday Hubby Bub and I were state side while my Sis took all the kids out.
Apparently our youngest Son had her surprised when he held the steering wheel
one handed as he raced around the track in the go-cart.
Aidn comfortable with being a speed demon?...no, you don't say, Sis?...made me laugh.
We gathered around dinner time to have another delicious BBQ, this time at our
Mothers house.
There were burgers, hot dogs, spicy sausage, bean salad, fresh cut fruit, veggies
and also chips as well as birthday cake.
My Nephew will be turning twelve this week so cake was definitely in order.
We all sang of course and It was nice to see him happy with his gifts.
Our Mother, my Sister and I also received gifts.
My oldest Son got something for all three of us and I feel proud knowing that
we are all so important to him.
The gift he gave me was a fragrant five candle set that I am enjoying as I type.
My feet were sore from being on em all day and their ongoing issues so we left around 9pm.
I was also anxious to get our youngest in bed, more than once had he triggered
my temper and I couldn't wait for him to turn in for the night.

Sunday was spent at the nursing home with other branches in our family tree.
Meme slept a lot but once she opened her eyes and saw us all there, she started eating.
Even though she didn't say much, I still love having her here with us and thanked
the Big Guy once again for letting her linger on with the living.
We were all expecting rain for the day but we didn't see a drop.
The sunshine and temperature in the seventies helped all of us have a very happy
Mothers Day and I truly felt blessed by the end of it.

My moods been all over the place in the last week and I had a sour start
to this day.
It's taken me a few hours to finish this entry because of things I've had to do
around here but I'm pleased to let you know that I have indeed turned it around.
Think I'm gonna go celebrate with a bike ride and some sun soaks!
It's amazing what a few kind words from others and a good self talking to can do.
I'm already looking forward to the weekend and those of you that read what
I have to say online know why.....four more days!  :)
Thanks for reading what's on my mind and may this Monday be mayhem free
for you. 

 

Where I Come From......

Sitting here this morning as usual with coffee in hand and thoughts
hang gliding around my mind.
Music surrounds me and this blog title shares the same name as the
song playing. (get to that later)
It seems as good a title as any and gives me the opportunity to tell you
a bit about where I came from.

A little more than forty-one years ago I left the hospital with my parents
to start my life in the house I would grow up in.
It was a one floor, three bedroom house found in the middle of a small, serene
little seven street neighbourhood.
Stop 26 or as the old timers call it, Dog Patch, is where I learned my first
lessons in life.
There was a church where I made my sacraments in and also two schools
on my street that were closed by the time I came into the world but they were left
standing for years which gave us hours and hours of good play space.
We even had a wee grocery store called Dupuis's Market.
I have fond memories of being given fifty cents and told to take my Sis for a treat.
We always bought lemons and I was allowed to take a paring knife so we could
equally share our sour slices of heaven.
We would sit on the front steps of the store and stare at the inviting beach
across the street.
Though we weren't able to cross racy ole Riverside Drive for many years,
we always wanted to.
We also had a watering hole that all the adults in the neighbourhood
were members at.
The Sportsman's Club sat right next to East End Park which I'm proud to
see are both still standing even though some of the space has been sold.
Like most land in that area, it's shrunk to make room for new homes or roads. :(
I had a couple of archery competitions at the club and have made many marvelous
memories there.
The park was were we all played and in the Summers we had a Soupy
there doing crafts and such with all the kids from the neighbourhood.
I don't know if other cities had Soupy's but I'm sure glad we did!
This park is also were I received my first kiss from Hubby Bub, such sweet memories! 
There was also a farm on our street that all the kids would try and play at
before getting chased away by mad geese.
I can still see one of those fiery feathered fowls trying to take a snap at me,
they were mean and had me running for my life more than once.
Good times indeed!

A favorite Stop 26 story involved my Cousin and the passion she had for pacifiers.
Keep in mind while reading this how the world has changed in the last 35 years.
She was around three years old and lived just down the street from Dupius Market.
Her Mom, (my Aunt) had taken her soother away and she was peeved!.
She pranced down to the market, found a pacifier that pleased her and
placed it on the counter.
Mr Dupius laughed seeing the toddler and knowing that she had made tracks
from her Mother, got on the phone to call and inform her of her Daughters
pacifier withdrawal.
I still laugh thinking about that, could you imagine a three year old child
doing that now?
I swell with pride when I visit the ole Stop and I can't think of one place
on earth I would have rather been raised in.  :)

My back is bugging me and I do need to dive into this day so I'll leave these
lines with the song I mentioned earlier, it sounds like home to me.
P.S We never locked our doors then and if we lived there now, we still wouldn't.
Thanks for reading what's on my mind and may this day be marvelous for you!

 

Sunkered.....

I know, I know, it's not even a word.
When I feel like this, often I make up words to use in describing my feelings.
Sunkered is a word I started using a couple of years ago when I would feel
down and deflated in life.
It's meaning to me is simple, sunk with a cement sediment ending.
I should be in a sweeter way since they say sun is on the way later today
but I'm choosing to sit in sadness.
Not sure if the gloomy weather this week is to blame or maybe it's just
my turn to feel emotionally entangled.
I do know that I wasn't feeling this way Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
There were a few fumbles in my life in the last couple days but I don't think
any of them put me in this state.
All I know is that I've recognized it early this morning and I want to do something
to try and swat away the sorrow, never do I enjoy sitting around wallowing in woe.
I bet you're all sick of my whining already.
You better leave now before the lines I lay leave you feeling the same way I do.

There has been one thing on my mind that I haven't been able to let go of.
My oldest Son has been planning a trip to my Sisters house for a weekend
and was trying to find a good time to go.
He talked about this weekend but figured he would get more time with everyone
there if he waited and left Mothers Day weekend instead.
Instantly I wanted to forbid him from going and pitch a fit over my entitlement
on that day.
I told him that it was Mothers Day weekend, then he blurted out "I'm not even
buying you a gift so what's it matter?"
That made me fire in the eye, red flag, bull, mad!
A gift is what he thinks I want?
My Mothers Day will be spent like the last ten or so, gathered around the
female head of the family, Meme and it is my choice!
Since she has been in the nursing home that's where we all go for a few hours
and that's where I will be this year as well.
Our uncomfortable moment ended when I told him "do what you want,
I don't want you to stay if it's not where you want to be"
After that I quickly went in the bathroom for a quiet cry.
I thought back to when I was a child and how I had no say so on where
I wanted to spend special days.
Never was given a choice, you went where you were told to go.
I don't want to be that hard hearted with my kids, I want to give them the
choice in spending time with me.
It sure stings knowing he would rather be with his Aunt on that day instead of
making memories with his bold big mouthed Mother.
Oh this ones gonna hurt to read back later in life!

Okay that's quite enough of crucifying myself for now.
I see the sun trying to sneak through the clouds and can feel the warmth of it already.
My Cousin kindly let me borrow a book she just read and I'm anxious to get
into it.
Fifty Shades Of Grey is the title and from what I've heard and read, it looks
like it will be erotically interesting!
So I gather that book reads, a bike ride and hopefully basking in sunshine will all
be things I've done by the end of this day.
Gonna go get lost now and leave you with a fire filled song that I've been enjoying.
Thanks for reading what's on my mixed up mind and may this day have you in a good way.
Oh, I almost forgot to let you know what my Son decided on.
He is going to my Sisters tomorrow instead of Mothers Day weekend.  :)