The Waters Edge.....

This week has been a rough one and when that happens I often go to the
water to quiet my mind and the world around me.
Yesterday that's exactly what I did.
After spending the day in "irritable self syndrome mode", I was ready for
release when my Husband came home from work.
He instantly knew there was something wrong and started to try peeling the layers
of my problems away.
I would have none of that though, if I started to let my sourness out it would just
snowball into things that had nothing to do with my miserable way.
I needed to be alone with my ugliness, no good ever comes from
unleashing it on others.
So I put my pounds to pedaling and made may way to where I longed to be,
along the waters edge.

The weather was warm with a threat of rain in the clouds above but that was the
furthest thing from my mind.
Though a sky seep would have felt finely fitting for my foul mood, I'm glad the
clouds held it together so I could sit and reflect about my sour self.
While I was down there I thought about the many nights I spent sitting alone at the
beach as a teen and just how much of my life has been spent in or by the water.
How many times have I cried to her swaying shore?
Just thinking those thoughts, once again brought about the eye leaks that marked
my face on and off through the day.
That old expression "you are your own worst enemy" rings true in me and yesterday
I made sure that I would stay stuck in the mud of myself for most of the day.
Thinking back on how hard I thought life was at 14, I realize now just how much
easier it could have been if I had only applied myself more.
That has had a direct impact on how I live life now.
Though I fall flat on my face frequently and fumble through most tasks, I keep trying!
I find comfort in that because there are moments when I just don't want to
live in my skin.
Today I can see clearly and what's visible is the vestige in the verge of destruction.
No worries Folks, I'm fine and refueled. 

Standing on the rail by the water I looked up and down the river for anything
to make me smile.
The mermaid I was hoping for never made her way to the surface but
something more meaningful showed it's face.
Walking back to the picnic table I had parked myself on earlier, I wondered
why my number hasn't been called?
I was feeling like quite a failure and wanted the big guy to answer me that one question, directly!
A tidal wave in the think tank of thoughts came crashing through, "I've failed my kids, Husband and all my loved ones", "Why couldn't I be more like others?", "There's nothing positive in me", "I feel stupid and untalented", "You made me as an example to show the world what a failure really is, didn't you!?"
"She was right, I didn't amount to anything" and on it went for several minutes.
You know what those are, don't you?
They're Pity Party Favors, Folks.

Though I'm uncertain if I should share such intimate thoughts of myself,
with all of you, it's the one thing that makes me believe I'm trying to do
something for the benefit of my well health.
Speaking in smiles and sunshine doesn't always work for me.
Anyway, I was telling you about the meaningful thing I saw.
As I was eye leaks into my unending emotions, wiping my tears, I looked
West and saw a women in the distance walking her dog and heading towards me.
She walked as if intoxicated and once she got close enough for me to see the
details of her face, I realized why.
She was clearly crippled with some disease that not only disfigured her
facial features but also made mobility difficult for her.
I smiled at her as she walked past and she gave me a grin, it was a
wonderful moment.
Instantly my thoughts changed direction and I knew that a sign was
just offered to me. 
It was then, the pity party was at it's end.  :)
Moments later my Husband showed up to check on me, being well aware of
the woeful way I was in.
I told him that I would be along soon and after he left I got on my
bike and made my way home.

So with the clean slate of a new day and it is Friday after all, I've given
myself another good talking to and decided that the only way to sow
successful seeds in life is to plant them in a plentiful field.
I like to think that's what I've been doing here since last November.

That was hard but I'm feeling pretty good about my decision.
I've always been a risk taker and I've been playing Russin Roulette with
the monsters in my mind, for years.
I'll leave you with a song that's like an old friend to me.
Thanks for reading what's on my mind and may this day be filled
with delight for us all.