Irritable Self Syndrome.....

I think I have come down with a bad case of this over the last few days.
Actually it's more like I can't stand myself syndrome.
Those of you that saw my post on facebook know that this isn't going to be
a rainbows and rays blog entry.
I'll do my best to keep it short and to the point but when I'm in a sour way, I tend
to snowball things.

I've been trying to turn my frown around but so far have been unsuccessful.
Irritable doesn't come close in describing the feelings I've had in the last three days.
Downright disgusted in myself better states it.
Many things are contributing to this.
Both our Son's have birthdays in the next few weeks and our oldest is turning
sixteen.
Thankfully he isn't asking for a car or something more expensive but I'm filled
with worry over wondering how we will be able to get him what he wants and
make his day a special one.
Then there's family vacation which also has me worried, will we have enough
money to go?, will everyone get along, will anyone lose an eye over a war of words?
Once I stop thinking about those things I start thinking of how I've failed in life and
how I'm unwilling to do anything to change that.
When I feel this way I think that I've truly given up on myself.
Yesterday was the worst, Eve my have left with her bloody mess but she still
makes an appearance once a month claiming all my emotions for her
tearful tantrum.
Told ya you wouldn't find rainbows in this one folks.  ; )

I've struggled with these feelings my whole life but the worst has been knowing
how I've failed my children.
Days like these have me believing nothing about me is positive.
Pity party?, self crucifixion?, too much time thinking?....maybe a slice of
them all.
All I know is I need to release it safely and this is the best way I can think of.
Gardening didn't help, neither has cleaning, reading or riding my bike.
I even got my mermaid on over the weekend and that hasn't iced the furnace
fueling inside me.
This pooh will pass and I'll be in a sunnier way soon, I've lived long enough
to know at least that much.

I suppose if this continues I could go ask the Doctor for help but I'm sure
his solution would end up being in pill form and that's not something
I am willing to consider.
I'm much better with talking or typing my feelings out.
Making my way back to music now because that's usually the one thing
that connects me to the living again.
George Harrison's haunting howl fills the room around the nest and is lifting my spirits as I type.
See, I never really give up I only think I do.  :)

I'll leave these lines with the song that started me in a sweeter way.
Thank you Mr Harrison, wherever you are.
Also, thanks to all of you for reading what's on my mind.