Sunkered.....

I know, I know, it's not even a word.
When I feel like this, often I make up words to use in describing my feelings.
Sunkered is a word I started using a couple of years ago when I would feel
down and deflated in life.
It's meaning to me is simple, sunk with a cement sediment ending.
I should be in a sweeter way since they say sun is on the way later today
but I'm choosing to sit in sadness.
Not sure if the gloomy weather this week is to blame or maybe it's just
my turn to feel emotionally entangled.
I do know that I wasn't feeling this way Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
There were a few fumbles in my life in the last couple days but I don't think
any of them put me in this state.
All I know is that I've recognized it early this morning and I want to do something
to try and swat away the sorrow, never do I enjoy sitting around wallowing in woe.
I bet you're all sick of my whining already.
You better leave now before the lines I lay leave you feeling the same way I do.

There has been one thing on my mind that I haven't been able to let go of.
My oldest Son has been planning a trip to my Sisters house for a weekend
and was trying to find a good time to go.
He talked about this weekend but figured he would get more time with everyone
there if he waited and left Mothers Day weekend instead.
Instantly I wanted to forbid him from going and pitch a fit over my entitlement
on that day.
I told him that it was Mothers Day weekend, then he blurted out "I'm not even
buying you a gift so what's it matter?"
That made me fire in the eye, red flag, bull, mad!
A gift is what he thinks I want?
My Mothers Day will be spent like the last ten or so, gathered around the
female head of the family, Meme and it is my choice!
Since she has been in the nursing home that's where we all go for a few hours
and that's where I will be this year as well.
Our uncomfortable moment ended when I told him "do what you want,
I don't want you to stay if it's not where you want to be"
After that I quickly went in the bathroom for a quiet cry.
I thought back to when I was a child and how I had no say so on where
I wanted to spend special days.
Never was given a choice, you went where you were told to go.
I don't want to be that hard hearted with my kids, I want to give them the
choice in spending time with me.
It sure stings knowing he would rather be with his Aunt on that day instead of
making memories with his bold big mouthed Mother.
Oh this ones gonna hurt to read back later in life!

Okay that's quite enough of crucifying myself for now.
I see the sun trying to sneak through the clouds and can feel the warmth of it already.
My Cousin kindly let me borrow a book she just read and I'm anxious to get
into it.
Fifty Shades Of Grey is the title and from what I've heard and read, it looks
like it will be erotically interesting!
So I gather that book reads, a bike ride and hopefully basking in sunshine will all
be things I've done by the end of this day.
Gonna go get lost now and leave you with a fire filled song that I've been enjoying.
Thanks for reading what's on my mixed up mind and may this day have you in a good way.
Oh, I almost forgot to let you know what my Son decided on.
He is going to my Sisters tomorrow instead of Mothers Day weekend.  :)